Pooh

I just had a call this morning from Mental Health Nurse. Asking me certain things that might bother me. Stubborn as I am. I didn't reallt wanted to take medication for depression or didn't wanted to get help from anyone that I don't know. I know I should trust someone who is working as the department or some sort, but I don't believe I should talk to someone that I don't know or don't trust.
I just told her and any other people that has been trying to help me, I just want to see doctor for my medical reason and get on with it already.
I don't get alot of time for myself and cry about missing my loved ones or cry for something that is bothering me. I think it's just that I don't trust anyone or just don't want to make time to talk to someone about what is bothering me or might eat me out. I guess you can say I am one of those that take care of other people and not themselves. I have been taking care of my family so long that I don't think I can take care of myself, or know how to take care of myself. It's either get me outta here or get a job somewhere else and I can take care of myself, in order to learn what is out there for me.
Anyway, taking one day at a time to chill and learn to take it one step closer to where it takes me.
Pooh

Meetie

Meetie was my best friend that past away last year. She and I were very close growing up. We did everything from taking gas from dad or dads' to playing outside and just hang out.
She was one of the bestest of best friend that understood me inside out. We went through alot from losing loved ones to having problem with boyfriends. Meetie and I were always together no matter what. She was great sister/mother and best friend that is much loved and missed very much.
Also, when she got really sick, I was down in Ottawa on my summer holiday while was in Hospital with her treatment. I couldn't go see her because I am not family. I was just a friend to her. Her brother who was with her in a hospital tried everything to get me to see her. but the doctor and nurses didn't wanted me to see her. So wanted to see her before her last breathe when she got really sick.
Missed you Meetie very much and love you very much!

Pooh

The year 2008 and 2009 has been hard for me, I went through a lot.I went to college, I end up meeting guys for fun and drank heavily. I end up quitting college and came home because I thought I was running away from all the fear I was in, I end up getting depressed and staying home hasn't been all that for me. I tend to worry more and very cautious of everything, from family to daily chores to worrying about future.
I was away from home for two or three months to go to college,I met people that have tried helped me quit the stuff I was doing to myself or at least tried to help me with self esteem. I chose not to listen to them and went home to be with my family.
I still regret that I didn't listen to one of the new friends that was trying to help me get a job there or at least look for one there.
At times I still wonder if it would have made any difference or not if I listened to him. He encourage me to stay away from what had happened to me, and maybe he knew what was good for me.
Right now I feel really depressed and nothing seem to get my way to go through so called life. I know I have met people for a reason but seems like they don't seem to stay long enough. some times I wonder if it will get better for me. Like alot have happen in my life and people that I love always seem either die or they are busy with their lives.
It's not like I am being suicidal or thought of that at all. Just that it has been so hard for me and doesn't seem to go anywhere for me. Same cycle for me since 2004 or so. people I love die , I end up making mistake or go direction that I may regret later in life. Such as working at the School or I waited too long not going somewhere. I mean wanting do something in my life, but don't want to leave my family. Sometimes I wonder if it's even a worth leaving them for something that I might be wanting to do with my life, for my own being.
I will finish my blog for now and do some more later in the future.

Late Bro

I wasn't that close to my late brother growing up. We would always hit each other or play. I have scars from childhood because of him, We were playing with Ulu ( Inuit knife) or a knife. And he cut me twice. Trying to be all older brotherly he was.
It wasn't always like that with him. We eventually got closer as a sister/cousins.
Alot of times he would smile at me and just pass by me, anywhere in town.
After graduating from high school. I started working at the school here at home.
He was working there as well. So at work, staff were taking a break at recess time. He came up to me and asked me if he can borrow money from me, I said OK.
I loved him because he was my brother and the fact that I get to experience stuff with him. He was the only brother that was adopted so, he wasn't that close to us but he did know he was always welcomed to come here and visit or whatlaver.
Of course he was a family guy with 2 daughters. He deeply loved his older daughter that they kept.
He was one of the guys that I could rely on and get help with anything.And he was always there to help if we needed help.
One day when I was working at local grocery store as my summer job. I remember they ( as a girlfriend) and him were having issues being together and such. And I remember a local lady came to me while I was working and she said " could you come home with me?" I was like whats going on? and her exact words were" I am afraid there was another accident with your brother. Of course I was curious what had happened to him. When we went outside the store. She said " I am so sorry but, your brother hanged himself" Right away, I started crying and lost control and I was crying for 2 days. I think I was depressed for few months.
I know I wasn't that close with him. But I do know that he was my brother and he was part of my life, as a blood.
Love you bro

Feb 27th 2009

On February 27th 2009, my sister and her kids were experiencing a house fire. That happened on a morning. I remember when my brother came in and saying sis and her kids were burned, I was like "huh?" are you sure? I saw his face but didn't wanted to believe him. He was shocked for sure and worried at the same time.
For the whole day we were at the health centre trying to help sis and her kids. Alot of people were there too, mostly family being with them and waiting for madivac to take them to hospital. It took almost 12 hours to get doctors or nurses, but finally had doctors, they were able to send them to Ottawa, Toronto and Winnipeg. If I remember correctly, there was another accident elsewhere in Nunavut, and we had to wait for Medivac to get here. I think there was another house fire or what not in
Nunavut.
My sister was sent to Winnipeg due to her condition, my niece who was 12 at that time,my other nieces son and my nephew who is 4 years old were sent to Ottawa. my niece and my other nieces son were sent to Toronto due to their condition. my nephew
stayed in Ottawa because he was badly burned. I swear to god thought for sure I was gonna lose him, he had alot of issues while he is there and still is dealing with it.
before getting to Ottawa, my brother in law kept me posted and I was too, While I was with my sister, how things are with each other.
I had hard time when I first saw him laying in hospital bed, he couldn't talk and couldn't do anything. When I first saw, I couldn't stand or say anything, I just started crying and sob looking at him while hes tears running down his face.I had to sit and watch him crying silently, I had hard time remembering what I did that day, I think I went to a place were I stayed when I was in Ottawa.
back to being with sis.When I went to hospital in Winnipeg first time, I saw my sister with all the wires and what not, my heart started to beat so fast.When she saw me she started to sob right away and tried to talk.We both cried for a bit and she was on a isolation room of course I had to wear gown, mask, and gloves.Wasnt fun but so wanted to be with her, was so afraid of losing another family member.
I thought for sure we would have stayed in Winnipeg that long, but I was there for two weeks and we were sent to Ottawa so that she can be with her kids and her husband. When we got to Ottawa, she couldn't go see her kids right away,due to her condition and theirs...
I was in Ottawa for two months and two weeks to be exact ( was counting days lol ).
I was with my sister for that long and helped with her kids as well.Mostly being with my nephew whom needed alot of attention and needed visitor to kill his day daily routine at the hospital.
I got homesick because I thought my dad got really sick and got worried that he needed me. But ones I got home, he got better and seems good to me.
I have been home for about a month now, I haven't been able to get hold of my sister or brother in law, kinda worried how things are with kids and my sister.
Hope is all well for everyone there.

My dad

My dad is my world and everything. some people see me as daddy's little girl upon til now.And some people don't know anything about us at all.
I grew up being daddy's little girl and my family would always try to get me to ask him for something for them. They have tried doing that upon til I was in 20's.
Growing up I was always been close to my dad, but not as much I was close to my mom.
I always try to help my dad to do anything that I can do to do stuff for him. alot of times he would correct me to do it differently or how it should be done, never once did he would shout to me or spank me for doing it the way I should have done it right.
Upon til Summer 2005, he has been so relying on me to help him to do things around the house or for anything that he needs help with. It has been hard or difficult for me, but I love him dearly that I try my best to do things that he ask me to do.
I might complain or tell him if something that is bothering me. But not always I would tell him.
I know he had lost both of his wives from health issues or what not. So I try to do the best for anyone and everyone.
And he sometimes would talk about his childhood or growing up. He always say that it was difficult growing up and would never let us get us to go through what he had been through.
From my understanding he is trying to get through all the pain he had been through by drinking. I am not gonna try to stop him from that, I know how it is to stop from something that you have been doing for longest time.
I love my Ataa very much and no one is going to do anything about that.

While in Ottawa, I had experience totally different from what I had experience before. I started drinking and meeting people for pleasure or for advantage. I would go out and start drinking with a friend or friends, would party until bar closes or when one of us of is cut off from drinking. a lot of time we would be too loud or tease people who are loaded from drinking. At times we would go to places and have a pleasure where there are people are walking around us, kissing and what not ( if you know what I mean).
The whole time when my mom was in a hospital, I had fun and do stuff that I regret to do. But I was trying to get away from pain I was in. My mom wouldn't mind me sleeping while she is on chemo. Alot of time she would notice that I am recovering from a night's drinking. I know that she was going through alot of pain and wanting me to stay but, she didn't or won't said anything that made her mad or didn't approve, whatever I did.
Now I sometime wonder why she wouldn't have said anything, is it because that she wanted me to stay and won't upset me? Am I that horrible person that she didn't said anything, or because she loved me too much and she wanted me to stay and being with her. All I know is, I do love my mom very much and she will always be with me. My heart is always be with you mom <3.
For all the people saying that their mom is being a bitch, pain, horrible or embarrassment.Thank her for being there for you no matter what. losing a mother is like losing everything, and you get to deal alot of things that you wouldn't have without her or can't tell her what or how you did for a day or something you have done.
Love your mother for who she is, not for she does.